I SAID NO - no more

Sometimes, I just feel like I am the pawn or playing piece of the world. I always have to succumb to others' wishes. People play me all the time. For some strange reason, they know I will feel guilty for letting them down or saying NO to their requests. And I do feel guilty and I just don't know why. I don't know why I have to be such a fucking people pleaser.

I hate that. All I really want is for someone to take care of me. Just allow me to be me - allow me to take my time. I come from that philosophy - do unto others, what you would want to be done unto you. I do and I do ... and I feel like no one does for me. Maybe I am just looking at things the wrong way. Maybe I am not noticing the people that do unto me. Maybe I am just noticing the negative and dwelling on it.

The other day, I noticed myself complaining about my job. There are some days, where this job takes every single ounce of life from me. My friend told me, if you don't like your job - change it. God, that hit me like a big fucking sack of bricks. I am in charge of my own life.

I decided to go back to school - law school at that. Then I can incorporate both jobs. But looking back at the whole thing - yes, it is time for me to move on, but the job is great pay, and I have security - I have no frickin' business complaining. I just feel like I am in this forever rat race - when I get here, I will be happy. When I get there, then I can stop, etc. The point is you never get there.

In the 'Power of Now' and several of his other books, Eckhart Tolle warns against this kind of thinking. This mindset is not living. In fact, he states that living is not in the mind. And conceptually, I know that! I know that I can never be happy always anticipating, but I wish Eckhart Tolle was always around to remind me to live in this moment - that is where the true bliss is.

Does anyone know how to constantly live in the now. Please tell me. Because living in the future is driving me NUTS! I don't like complaining about my perfectly great life. I have a job. I make a great living. I have brothers that love me to death. I have a great guy, a place to live, a car. I live close to the ocean. I want to take your advice Mr Eckhart Tolle and just enjoy all the things that I have - but the ego, the parents, society is all telling me to prepare for the future, my present state is not good enough.

It's like constant anxiety - you have to prepare for your retirement, you are gaining too much weight, you have to find a secure job, you have to this... you have to that... What to do?

Then on top of every other anxiety, stress producing thought is the grave desire for instant gratification. Yes, mom I want to have that retirement account, but I want it now. I want to buy my house, now. I want to be 10lbs lighter now. I wish my car was paid off. Yes, friend I have money put away, but there are some times when all I want to do is fuck off all my money and just have FUN for once. Is that too much to ask for? I work hard - let me play, just once.

Can I have some fucking ice cream without putting on five pounds of fat on my belly. The truth is, I am not even fat - but of course I put some insanely unattainable goal weight to achieve in order for me to be happy. Gross, it's like sabatoge. Life is teaching me a lesson and it is probablly clear as black and white, but I seem to be making the same mistakes and having to learn the same dam lessons over and over again.